One Month

So today marks the one month mark since little Elizabeth died. I told myself that I wasn't going to post anything more about it for a long time or not until we got the headstone placed on her grave site. But I just felt like I had more to say or more to get off my chest about the whole thing. The first couple of weeks after were probably the hardest, I would be able to hide the crying from everyone, but as soon as I was by myself or if it was just Deven and I around I would break down, it seriously felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest. I seemed like everyone I knew was pregnant or just had a baby and it was so hard to watch how happy and excited that they were. I was was also trying to fight back feeling like it was my fault that she had dies, that there was something that I could have done to prevent it even though I knew that there wasn't. When I first found out I was pregnant again I was so shocked, and I don't want to say that I wasn't happy about it or that I wasn't excited about it but I wasn't as excited as I had been when I found out I was pregnant with Peyton. So when we found out that Elizabeth had problems I kept thinking if only I had been more excited then maybe this would not have happened and then she died and it was hard to not feel responsible, like maybe she felt like I didn't love her as much. The hardest part for me was the timing of the whole thing, I knew that it was going to be hard no matter when we lost her but the week that it happened hit me so hard. When I was pregnant with Peyton she was due on Monday September 3, 2007, which was labor day that year, well the 3rd came and went and the next day, Tuesday, I ad a Dr.'s appointment and she told me that she was going to induce me the next day. So Peyton was born on Wednesday September 5, 2007. Well this year Labor Day was on Monday September 1, 2008 it came and went again without any big surprise or change. Again the next day Tuesday September 2, 2008 I went into the Dr. and she again told me that I would be coming in the next day to be induced. Only this time it was because my little girls heart had stopped beating. So Wednesday September 3, 2008 I was again in the hospital on the labor and delivery floor but that is where the similarities end. This time I wasn't going to be welcoming a new life, but instead mourning the loss of one that had gotten cut short. So the first week in September is always going to hold a place in my heart for 2 completely different reasons. Despite how it sounds I am really doing much better, the crying has ended and life has gone on. I told myself that I wasn't going voice my thoughts about any of this but now I just feel that if I had kept them inside it would have eaten away at me. Sorry to be so depressing trust me the next post will be much happier and should cause some of you to laugh at how odd my husband is since it will be his turn to have 6 weird things about himself revealed! Thanks every one for the support throughout this past month it has helped a ton!